In the Shadow of the Most High

I KNOW two things. 1) That God exists and, 2) that God loves us (and by us, I mean everything, the trees, birds, goats, humans, fish and even the devil). There are huge things that make me aware of God's love. His sacrifice on Calvary. The fact that I'm alive.

I lived in Saudi Arabia during the Gulf War, was in Nigeria during the post 1996 election riots, and once stepped out of an SUV that had flipped over four times until it was crushed from almost every angle all without a single physical bruise (we'll talk about my emotional bruises later.) But, ironically, it's the little things, the "mini events" in my life that make me especially aware of God and extremely grateful.

For instance, last Sunday I tripped while the sermon was going on. I gracefully bumped into the drum sound booth, dismantling it completely. I also bruised my elbow and stubbed my toe enough for it to bleed. But, the best part was yet to come. When I made the mistake of turning around, I realized that the preacher had stopped preaching and everyone in the church was staring at me. So, back to the gratitude part. After that huge spectacle, I simply carried on with my business and it was a non-issue. No uproarious outbreak of laughter. No teasing. It was simply forgotten. No one ever mentioned it. I gave God meaningful praise that day.

As I walked to my car this morning, I had that sinking feeling as I realized no one was parked on the same side of the street as me. My eyes caught the multitude of street cleaning signs warning everyone who can read not to park on that side of the street. I also saw a man with a gauge thingymajig in his hand walking towards my car.

I started clack clacking in my heels towards my car. The man stopped and asked, "Is this your car?" When I sheepishly nodded. He shrugged and said, "There's nothing I can do."

I responded with resignation, "Oh, crap, you've already written the ticket." He paused for a while and then said, "No, I haven't. Go on with your day." He then left without writing a ticket.I got in the car and yelled, "YOU REIGN!" In that moment I was sure of my numbers 1 and 2 as mightily as if I'd seen the Red Sea part, a lame person walk, or a leper healed. They say the devil is the details. But, I think it's the opposite. God is in every detail. And, sometimes, it's through the tiny details, those small moments, that we can truly see that we're in His shadow.

Thoughts?

My LITERAL Fear of God

      I am going to start this post with a side note/ public service announcement that has absolutely nothing to do with the following post. Here goes: I'd like to ban the word "literally" from the English language or at least give it a mini vacation. Almost every time the word is used, it is used incorrectly.  When people say "literally", they usually mean "figuratively".  The few times that people really mean "literally", they don't have to use the word.  If something is 'literal,' people can tell the act really happened—so, using the word is redundant.  I dared myself to find one example where that isn't the case...see my title.  I barely made it, I had to use the noun form of the word. Yes, our regular programming was just hijacked by Grammar Nerd.  Don't worry I have banished her, we can now jump into my fear of God, (yep, figuratively!)

     So, lately I have been spending a lot of time alone in my church.  The recurring theme of my time in church is the deep eeriness I feel.  Every creak makes me jump.  Every peep makes me swivel around with my fists clenched.  I am not willing to publicly share what the wind howling makes me do.  So, for the most part, my church stays have been spent alternately meditating and having mini heart attacks.  This has put a little bit of a damper on my "spend time alone in church meditating so you can get closer to God" plan.  In response I have started forcing myself to dig into my fears (figuratively!) and get to the root of them.

 

     I have decided I have only one thing to blame.  Hollywood!   No, I''m kidding.  (But, doesn't it seem like these days, that's always who we blame?)  I think the root of my fear is God.  I love God, want to know Him more, and would be delighted to know the full extent of God's plans for me.  But, I am afraid of God.  And, I'm not sure my fear is the appropriate Proverbs 1:7 beginning of knowledge fear.  I think mine is a deeper Colbert fear of bears (he thinks they're "Godless killing machines"). No, I don't think God  is a killing machine. (Though He did go ham, in some of those old testament stories.)  But, I think at the same time that I long to know God and be vulnerable and intimate with Him, I am completely terrified of that—of dropping layers and being completely open with God, of knowing God's thoughts towards me, and, especially, of allowing God to take over in my life.

     That's level one digging.  Level two digging begs the question, "why am I afraid of this closemission? (—closeness and submission made into one word. Feel free to use it, send royalties through paypal to my email addy.)  The answer is simple: I don't know.  That is, my fear of God is my fear of the unknown.  I have no idea what a greater closemission to God would involve.  I have no idea who I would be or what my life would be like.  I have no idea where God would lead me or what He would require of me along the way. That is enough to make me shake in my boots. (figuratively!)

Thoughts?