I am going to start this post with a side note/ public service announcement that has absolutely nothing to do with the following post. Here goes: I'd like to ban the word "literally" from the English language or at least give it a mini vacation. Almost every time the word is used, it is used incorrectly. When people say "literally", they usually mean "figuratively". The few times that people really mean "literally", they don't have to use the word. If something is 'literal,' people can tell the act really happened—so, using the word is redundant. I dared myself to find one example where that isn't the case...see my title. I barely made it, I had to use the noun form of the word. Yes, our regular programming was just hijacked by Grammar Nerd. Don't worry I have banished her, we can now jump into my fear of God, (yep, figuratively!)
So, lately I have been spending a lot of time alone in my church. The recurring theme of my time in church is the deep eeriness I feel. Every creak makes me jump. Every peep makes me swivel around with my fists clenched. I am not willing to publicly share what the wind howling makes me do. So, for the most part, my church stays have been spent alternately meditating and having mini heart attacks. This has put a little bit of a damper on my "spend time alone in church meditating so you can get closer to God" plan. In response I have started forcing myself to dig into my fears (figuratively!) and get to the root of them. I have decided I have only one thing to blame. Hollywood! No, I''m kidding. (But, doesn't it seem like these days, that's always who we blame?) I think the root of my fear is God. I love God, want to know Him more, and would be delighted to know the full extent of God's plans for me. But, I am afraid of God. And, I'm not sure my fear is the appropriate Proverbs 1:7 beginning of knowledge fear. I think mine is a deeper Colbert fear of bears (he thinks they're "Godless killing machines"). No, I don't think God is a killing machine. (Though He did go ham, in some of those old testament stories.) But, I think at the same time that I long to know God and be vulnerable and intimate with Him, I am completely terrified of that—of dropping layers and being completely open with God, of knowing God's thoughts towards me, and, especially, of allowing God to take over in my life.
That's level one digging. Level two digging begs the question, "why am I afraid of this closemission? (—closeness and submission made into one word. Feel free to use it, send royalties through paypal to my email addy.) The answer is simple: I don't know. That is, my fear of God is my fear of the unknown. I have no idea what a greater closemission to God would involve. I have no idea who I would be or what my life would be like. I have no idea where God would lead me or what He would require of me along the way. That is enough to make me shake in my boots. (figuratively!)
Thoughts?
